So, in the last couple of months I have learned something about shame. It’s the single most useless tool for a parent or, really, any adult in a position of authority over kids, to use as a directive. Shame really only seems to motivate change when it’s personally felt, not when someone else lords it over you.

I was a child of the seventies and I think my mother used shame as a parenting tool pretty frequently. Heck, every once in a while she still does. I don’t think shaming a kid effectuates any sort of positive change. I don’t think it does anything more than make a kid feel like shit for a little while, unless it’s a frequent punishment method and then it probably fills a kid with resentment.

I have heard kids repeat things their parents say to them a lot lately and I’m floored by some of what I hear. I realize how much our words affect our children, how much they need from all of the adults in their lives and how much positive leadership and parenting means to them, even when they can’t (or just plain don’t care to) show it. They need to know that their actions have consequences and that, ultimately, they stand or fall on their own. They need parents to back them up and enforce rules, too, but they just don’t ever need us to shame them.

In addition to the things I’ve heard kids say lately, I’ve also heard adults speaking to groups of kids. Adults need to remember that kids can think for themselves. Kids don’t need to be led by hand through the garden every single time. Sometimes they need an opportunity to wander down the path themselves. I loathe hearing adults talk down to children of all ages and I guarantee that whatever the down-talking adult is nattering on about is going in one ear and out the other. I can almost see the kids click off at that point. Kids aren’t stupid. They’re just shorter than we are and dependent on us.

(I have never been so happy in my adult life. I have never, I realize, been blissfully employed until now. I get more value out of my free time, too, and the crafts I’ve just now picked back up thrill me.)